we couldn't bring the columns down, we couldn't destroy a single one
Personal blog...WARNING...it's deep and a bit of a downer...
I know, I know. My theory is to stay posi no matter what and karma will bring it back around. Smile because you always have something to smile about. Remember the little things and find the beauty in them. But I am human and lately I've been troubled. I think that's the best word to use.
I usually can just pray and thank God for the little things and I get right back on track, but this time no dice. I would like to chalk it up to the weather, but there is a lot on my mind lately and I realize a public blog might not be the best outlet, but I'm not comfortable with my emotions and I can't talk to anyone about this stuff. So it's up to you if you want to read it. You need to make that choice now, and realize it was your choice...
The first thing that is bothering me is my brothers situation. My younger brother James. He signed up for six years in the military and he's at bootcamp. I realized it was going to be hard for him and I know in the end it will benifit him if he lets it, but he is having a hard time. He wants out and there is a G.I. Right that says he can get out during his first 180 days and they aren't granting it to him. Then he went to the JAG to report some abuse that happened to him (it was unreal) and five drill sgt's got fired. So now they are pissed at him and they keep jerking him around to "punish him". In his first sgt's words; "Around here you don't get sgt's fired, and if you do you're going to pay the price, and that's what he's doing, he's paying the price." Since he left for bootcamp he has been looking forward to the one weekend during the 6 months where he can have family down. It was supposed to be this past weekend and they moved him to another company the day before it started and the company they moved him to already had family day. So he doesn't get one at all. It was just because they wanted to 'punish him'. I can not express how much I hate the military, I always have hated the army and the marines, but this is making my hate x100000000. We were all ready to go see him in Ga. and then my dad called down on Friday and was told about all of this. James called crying and told us the other day he broke down completely and asked to go to the hospital and the sgt's stood around him and laughed at him and refused to take him. My dad is working with congress and the pentagon and things like that from this end, but it's not looking good. They even threaten the death penalty on him! How fucked up is that?!?! I love my bro and I want him to come home or find a way to get through this and be better because of it.
Another thing that has been on my mind lately is feeling sick. I was told in high school that I have Raynauds Syndrome (basically bad circulation to the extreme) and that I was going to have problems because of it (not to live where it's cold and my favorite things like skiing are probably not a good idea). They put me on Procardia (a heart medication) to try to help it open the paralyzed capillaries. BUT what they didn't tell us was Procardia is a high blood pressure medication and it lowers your blood pressure (I have very very low blood pressure naturally). To make a long story short I basically slept for two months while my organs started to shut down until my mom took the meds away. Then a year or two of awful doctor visits to correct the issues from it followed. WELL everything had been managable with it until last year. Everyday that it's cold I am very sick to my stomach and I feel really run down. I just can't take another morning of feeling ill and this weather isn't breaking. I'm feeling very frustrated.
My life has fallen stagnant again. I'm only working an hour a week and I haven't traveled since Oct 2005. I haven't even been exploring my hobbies, I just feel like a huge waste. I miss the movie theater, this bothers me more than words can express, so I wont even try. Seven years of my life heavily involved that place and it's gone forever.
I want to be back in my tropical paradise. I want to be living again. It's just a matter of time until the feeling of wasting life gets so strong that I get back up and go...
So I keep trying to remember the good, trying to be posi, trying to smile, but for awhile it hasn't been easy... :(
3 comments:
ugh. i related to half of some of what you wrote, at different levels of course. things will improve. especially if we move...and it better be south! none of this cardozo stuff!
haha
we'll make it =) mwah!
-teener
I've taken to reading your blog journal. I like it. It's like I get to spend time with you and get to know you again, being the mature and sparkling person I've always known, but with a kick of independence, confidence and experience under your belt now. As you know I have many wonderful friends, but living here in SC w/o them, I do not get to spend time with any of them, so I understand about "being stagnant" in a social regaurd. However, with my 6 1/2 month old baby, that's another story. He keeps me ubber busy. On warm weather; I have no medical reason to need it, but it's really weird (or so I thought) that I do. I don't know many people who physically feel better when it's warm out, but our little Lee Ann is the same way too. I can pretty much say that I will never live in the upper North East of the States again> ever. I'd have to have alot of money to live there so I could spend my cold, cold days in a mall shopping or swimming at a YMCA or something like that. It's been cold here too so I've been less than myself lately... but it's SC and I know that the weather will warm. So I guess I'll leave you with that parting thought: There is ALWAYS hope! You could always just fly down here soon and be very warm!! Love ya! Feel better! P.S. Remember that 4th of July you, me and Lee spent on top of a huge mound of dirt watching fireworks? That was the best 4th of July ever!
you know what, missie (sorry, that's your name in my book!). i liked reading this entry more than any others. because i know it's the real you talking and, even though you are sad, it was much more "real." some of your other entries-don't take this the wrong way-seem contrived. sometimes i think you try way too hard to be something you think others want you to be, when i know that you are better than that. you smart and talented-and you know that-but sometimes you do more talking than walking. if that makes any sense. don't do things for others-do them for you. it might help you get over this hump. love you.
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